


roadside distractions

by Bork__Bork



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Oh I know how about I wrote 1k words on Claude/Dimitri sucking on a popsicle, Slight exhibition kink, idk what to tag this stupid fic as anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:14:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22344664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bork__Bork/pseuds/Bork__Bork
Summary: “It’s broad daylight for Goddess’ sake,” Dimitri hissed, finally able to form a coherent sentence. “You’ll get us arrested!”“Mmmm? But we haven’t passed by a single cop so far. Besides, no one’s gonna see,” Claude responded with a smirk.A rule of thumb: Never drive alone with Claude von Riegan for an extended period of time.(Or, 5 times Claude succeeds at teasing Dimitri on a road trip, and the 1 time he fails)(...Or, as Hilda puts it: um excuse me is this 911 yes we have a feral lion and his horny bf on the loose on highway 451 no this is not an emergency this is a gay emergency)
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 13
Kudos: 181





	1. The Golden Scheme

**Author's Note:**

> Nobody asked for this fic but here we are. I had lots of fun writing this, and I hope it's as enjoyable for you to read it!
> 
> This was inspired from a smol little tweet from [@cerikino](https://twitter.com/cerikino/status/1216657312762363907?s=19). Thank you for your daily thoughts and musings on dmcl!
> 
> I'm [@BorksareBorks](https://twitter.com/borksareborks) on Twitter.

A rule of thumb: Never drive alone with Claude von Riegan for an extended period of time.

"For the tenth time, Claude, not when I'm driving," Dimitri gritted out as he slapped the mischievous man's hand away from his knee.

His knuckles went bone-white around the steering wheel, and the furrow of his brows deepened as he tried to focus on the monotonous road in front of him: the few trees that graced his view, the endless sea of grass expanding before him, the occasional sign or farm that passed by… anything but the lithe man sitting next to him— _ very _ shirtless, _ very _ exposed.

"Then maybe you should drive a little faster," Claude snorted with a hint of annoyance as he slumped back in his seat.

At some point during the ride he must've taken off his shirt because when Dimitri turned to check his blind spot earlier, a ripple of chiseled milk-chai skin flashed before his eyes, and the next thing he knew he was swerving towards another car.

Thank  _ Goddess _ his car had lane assistance.

It was supposed to be a simple roadtrip to Brigid. A bit longer of a ride than either of them would prefer, yes, but it was better than joining the other students on campus in their sedentary spring-break slump. The recent chilly weather at GMU was becoming too unbearable for Claude, and he's been insisting for months that they go see the ocean.

Of course, Dimitri originally opposed the idea, being acclimated to the icy winters in Fhirdiad, but one disappointed look from those glimmering emeralds was all it took to change his heart. Besides, the last time he saw the ocean was years ago. It’d be a nice respite from the usual tedium of campus life. At least, that’s what he convinced himself.

“And  _ again, _ I will drive at my own pace,” Dimitri replied as deliberately and clear as possible, starting to regret undertaking this road trip. “Unless  _ you _ want to drive?”

Instant regret hit Dimitri as soon as those taunting words slipped out of his mouth, but thankfully Claude only grumbled in response and sank back into playing on his Switch.

Dimitri sighed in relief.

It’s not that he didn’t trust Claude, but despite somehow having a spotless record, the brunette took many “calculated risks” as he drove. Too many, in his taste. So, being the chivalrous man he is, Dimitri made sure that  _ he _ would be the one driving them with his blue Mercedes-Benz GLC: one of the safest cars on the market, as described by his father. 

Yes, it was his “daddy’s” car, as Sylvain liked to tease him about constantly, but that only made Dimitri ever more serious about keeping his record clean and his car safe from danger.

Despite his friends’ countless protests, Dimitri always made sure to keep two hands on the wheel, never go more than five over the speed limit, never speed through a yellow light, and  _ never _ keep his eyes off the road without good reason. On the rare occasion, his emotions got the better of him, but not today. Not on this  _ peaceful _ vacation to Brigid.

But so far, Claude has been taking every opportunity to do the exact opposite of what a safe, relaxing road trip should be like.

— 

It started with Dimitri backing out of the dormitory garage.

Turn the ignition key, push down the handbrake, shift to reverse, put his hand on the back of the passenger seat’s headrest, look out the rear window—the usual motions. 

But somewhere between resting his hand and turning his head did Claude find an opportunity to  _ kiss  _ him because the next thing Dimitri knew, he was thanking the Goddess that he slammed on the brakes and not the gas pedal.

_ “Claude!” _ Dimitri gasped. His fingers flew to his mouth, still trying to process the press of soft, warm lips onto his own.

_ “Relax. _ It’s just a good-luck kiss. You know, drive safely, all that,” Claude casually said as he pulled away with a grin, and then he swiftly turned back to scrolling through his phone as if nothing had happened.

If  _ only _ nothing else had happened.

As he drove towards the highway, Dimitri found himself constantly brushing away deft fingers wandering around his thighs and arms, feeling the taut muscle underneath his clothing.

At first, the blonde student tried to pay him no mind; if he didn't react, then Claude would simply get bored and give up. That was his hope, at least.

But then a hand got  _ too _ close to a certain spot and Dimitri had to pull over to the side with a screech of rubber.

"Claude,” Dimitri growled, “I swear I’m gonna turn back right now if you continue to—”

_ “Ok, _ ok. I'll stop,” Claude raised his hands as if he was innocent, but the slight tease in his voice betrayed him.

Obviously Claude wasn't going to stop, but Dimitri wasn't going to turn back either. He already booked the hotels and planned out the entire trip (he'd have to thank Petra and Dorothea later for their help with choosing the most romantic spots in Brigid). Canceling now would only cause a headache.

Dimitri slung his head back against his headrest with a sigh and rubbed his face.

This was going to be a long car ride.

—

As it turned out, perhaps Claude  _ did _ mean what he said earlier.

An hour had passed without so much as a peep from the political science major, which was rare, but regardless Dimitri was relieved that Claude managed to settle down.

But then a breathy moan shattered the silence.

_ “A-Ahhhh, Dimaaa.” _

The blonde student immediately jerked his head towards the source of the voice, bracing himself for a vulgar display of Claude doing Goddess-knows-what, but all he saw was a bored expression resting in the palm of his hand as he mindlessly scrolled through his phone.

"What?” Claude asked nonchalantly, hardly giving more than a side-glance towards the flustered look on Dimitri’s face. “Hey, watch the road."

“But you— Ugh.” A flare of irritation threatened to boil over Dimitri; he swore he saw the briefest flash of a smirk on that devilish man’s face, but he halted his protest and snapped his eyes back to the endless stream of grey ahead of him with a guttural sigh. This wasn’t worth getting worked up over, he told himself.

But Claude seemed to only take Dimitri’s forbearance as an opportunity to push him even further.

“Oh,  _ Goddess,  _ Dima.  _ Faster, please,” _ he groaned, drawn-out and exaggerated in a way that made Dimitri want to punch Claude in the face. He shot another mean look at the brunette to warn him, but the only thing that greeted him back was a tilted head with a pair of innocent, blinking eyes that reminded him of a perplexed puppy.

“What? You’re driving too slow.”

Never in his life had Dimitri felt such an urge slam his head against the steering wheel.

—

Another hour crawled by as they shared a few heated discussions over which was the best/worst fast-food chain (they compromised on Chipotle and KFC respectively), while the eventual silence was peppered with the occasional exaggerated moan that made Dimitri want to throw Claude out of the window.

The hilly, densely forested surroundings of Garreg Mach dissipated, and soon they were crossing the vast plains of Gronder. The harsh daylight beamed down on the fields indiscriminately, and it seemed to Claude that the natural response was to peel off his shirt.

“Don’t mind me, Dima. It’s just getting a little hot here, don’t you think?” Claude remarked, one eyebrow raised above the other.

He raised his arms above his head and stretched, twisting his torso at  _ just _ the right angle to lay bare his chest and obliques. The sunlight pouring through the windows highlighted the sculpted dips and valleys of his skin; his whole body moved like it was putting on a performance, arching with the poise of an actor ready for the spotlight, and Dimitri his only audience.

But the criminal justice major forced himself to blink away.

“Then maybe you should open your window,” he retorted with a rise of frustration in his voice, feeling hot under the collar himself.

He chewed the inside of his gums as he tried not to pay attention to his current dilemma sitting next to him. But out of the corner of his eye, he couldn’t help but notice the way the sunlight danced upon Claude’s amber-silk skin, how his muscles tensed and flexed with a lustrous sheen—

No. The road, Dimitri. Focus on the road.

The blonde student gritted his teeth as he shifted in his seat, trying to find some relief from the increasingly uncomfortable constraint of his pants.

He forced himself to look ahead at the expanse of green, but in his mind, all he could envision was the expanse of sun-kissed skin: the light accentuating the chisel and sinew of Claude’s muscles, the soft planes of his chest undulating in synchronization with his breathing, the faint line of hair that crept down towards a place Dimitri desperately did not want to think about… 

Then he heard the unbuckling of a seatbelt and the undoing of a zipper.

Dimitri shouldn’t have turned his head. He absolutely shouldn’t have because when he did, he nearly choked on the air in his throat at the sight that greeted him.

Claude had slid down his pants and underwear just far enough to let his cock spring free, already half-hard with his hand wrapped around it.

“Wha—  _ Claude!” _ Dimitri whisper-shouted through clenched teeth, despite the fact that no one else was in the car to overhear them. “W-What the  _ hell _ are you— Why are y-you even— What in  _ Seiros’ name—” _

Dimitri stumbled over his words as he tried to reconcile himself with the fact that Claude von Riegan was indeed  _ jacking off. _

In his  _ car. _

While he was  _ driving. _

Goddess save him.

“It’s broad daylight for Goddess’ sake,” Dimitri hissed, finally able to form a coherent sentence. “You’ll get us arrested!”

“Mmmm? But we haven’t passed by a single cop so far. Besides, no one’s gonna see,” Claude responded with a smirk as he let one hand roam across his chest while another languidly stroked his member to life.

_ But I’m gonna see, _ Dimitri protested in his head. But he knew that to Claude, his bewildered attention was only but a pleasure to delight in, his reactions but a collection of precious jewels to treasure. And he’d do  _ anything _ to garner more of them.

“You’ll make me ram into a  _ tree,” _ Dimitri tried again, hoping the threat of death would convince Claude to restrain himself, but the brunette only snickered in response.

“Hey, no one’s forcing you to watch. You could just ignore me… or be a better driver,” Claude quipped, then he let out a drawn-out groan as he arched his hips into the firm grip around his cock.

At that point, Dimitri decided to just shut up and pray to the Goddess for her divine intervention, but then an obscene squelch and a moan interrupted his thoughts.

Of course. Of  _ fucking  _ course, Claude brought  _ that _ along with him in his pockets.

A small bottle of lube was tossed haphazardly onto the dashboard, and Claude had already slicked up his fingers. He locked eyes on Dimitri as he inserted one, then two fingers into himself with a shaky moan. Sinking further into his seat, he adjusted his position so that he could have better access to his entrance, and his cock twitched up in response.

_ “Fuuuck, Dima. _ Bet you’re enjoying the show, hm?” Claude purred as he threw his head back, slick fingers moving in and out, his bottom lip sucked in between his teeth.

Dimitri’s face turned many shades of red before his eyes darted to the flashing warning lights emitting from the dashboard, signaling that he was swerving off-course. Cursing out loud, he immediately jerked the steering wheel towards the right, causing Claude to jolt out his hand to steady himself with a yelp. But despite the precarious position he was putting himself in, Claude continued to massage his prostate, mewling as he pumped his cock and arched his back into the pleasure coursing throughout his body.

Dimitri  _ tried _ to hold his focus on the road ahead. He _ tried  _ to distract himself, count the clouds in the sky, sear the jumble of letters and numbers of each license plate that blurred past into his mind,  _ anything _ but the sight of Claude. But his eyes kept sliding back to the exhibition Claude was putting on before him, and they were too entranced to budge.

Growing desperate, Dimitri turned up the radio to an excessively loud volume in hopes of drowning out the filthy noises emanating from the brunette, but even  _ that  _ didn’t seem to bother Claude one bit as he slowly inserted a third finger into his slick entrance.

And then the car violently bounced over a bump in the road.

Claude let out a howl as he accidentally shoved his fingers too quickly into his tight ring of muscle.

_ “Shit! _ Dima, you did that on purpose, didn’t you?” He hissed as he shot a dirty look at Dimitri, who was trying his best to avert his eyes, using one hand to shield his vision from the vulgar display next to him.

“It’s hardly my fault that you’re… that you're _fucking_ yourself in my car!” Dimitri shouted over the radio, wincing at the obscenity of his word choice, but the brunette seemed to care less about his response as he continued to drown himself with pleasure, his eyes rolled back and his breathing becoming more labored.

By now, Dimitri’s cock was begging for release, swollen and aching against his pants, but there was no way he was going to relieve himself behind the wheel.  _ Not _ in his car.  _ Not  _ out in the open where anyone could see.

He could only slightly rut his hips against the air, against his leather seat, against the tight fabric of his jeans,  _ anything _ to create some sort of friction. It was hardly enough to evoke a spark of pleasure, but his vision hazed over with lust, and for a moment Dimitri felt a wave of dizziness overcome him. The dashboard flashed warning lights with more frequency, and the blonde student found it becoming difficult to drive in a straight path.

“N-Need a hand there? Or a mouth, perhaps?” Claude asked, trying to sound suave, but his voice betrayed him, coming out high-pitched and weak. Dimitri only grunted in frustration and waved him away, but nothing could hide the pent-up desire building in his pants.

Claude hummed at the sight of the blonde’s increased exasperation, and his moans loudened. He stroked himself with increased fervor as he quickened the pace of his thrusts, continuously hitting his prostate. Sweat began to gleam off his muscles, and soon even the radio wasn’t enough to obscure the stream of filthy desire pouring out of his mouth.

_“Mmmmm, Dima,”_ the brunette moaned, locking one eye on the driver. _“_ If only… _ngh…_ your fingers were in me… _S-Shit,_ they’re thicker… and longer… _Goddess,_ you can fill me up so much better… I could just cum from them alone— _Oh, fuck!”_

His breathing hitched, and with a loud, high-pitched mewl, Claude finally came, spilling hot seed all over his chest. He lurched forward, shuddering as wave after wave of bliss washed over him. His world spun in and out before his fingers slowly slid out, leaving him in a panting, whimpering mess and shivering at the sudden emptiness of his stretched-out hole.

Dimitri cursed under his breath, biting his lip hard at the sight of the relieved brunette: slack-jawed with his hair tousled and his chest painted with white. A couple droplets had landed on Claude’s cheeks, and—  _ Goddess, no. _

He licked them up, swallowing with a low, satisfied hum as if it were some sweet nectar. All the while locking a pair of hooded jade-green eyes on wavering steel-blue with a roguish smirk.

Dimitri’s knee jutted out against the car interior, and his nails started to dig into the palm of his hands. Every part of his body screamed that he at least palm himself through his jeans, if not pull over and do Claude right there and then. But the lingering rational side of him reminded him that they would certainly get arrested, and their trip to Brigid would end in the most embarrassing, most miserable way possible.

Then a car honked from behind, and Dimitri's mind snapped back into reality. He swerved violently back into his lane as a passing driver flipped their finger at him.

Fuck.

He has to get off the road.  _ Now. _

The blonde briefly shut his eyes in prayer that the Goddess would protect them from any unwanted voyeurs as he flipped the turn signal, but then he opened his eyes to see a bright blue sign flash past him with a pavilion in the distance.

Thank the Goddess—there’s a rest area.

Dimitri’s eyes slid past Claude who was still basking in his afterglow before he turned to check his blind spot and merge right to exit. He stepped on the gas pedal a little too eagerly as he accelerated towards the building, not caring for the fact that he was going well over the speed limit.

With a screech of rubber against pavement, he hurriedly parked the car and fumbled with his seatbelt before finally unbuckling himself. Dimitri burst out of the vehicle, slamming the door shut without a care of the near-naked occupant left behind. He rushed towards the pavilion, fists shoved down deep into his jacket’s pockets, praying that it would hide the prominent bulge in his pants.

Each person that blurred past him as he entered the building only made his face burn even hotter, made him even more aware of the embarrassment he was carrying. The shame of his blatant state of arousal hung his head down as he shuffled towards the bathroom, averting his eyes from the flow of strangers.

A thought crossed his mind that he should turn back and take care of his problem in the privacy of his car instead of a public bathroom stall surrounded by strangers, but it was unlikely that Claude would just sit there and watch, and Dimitri was not about to have  _ car sex  _ in the middle of parking lot in broad daylight.

And yet, a whisper in his ear weaved into his mind a fantasy of him punishing that mischevious brunette, fucking him against the car door, making him  _ beg _ for forgiveness and promise to never tease him again during a road trip. Or maybe he’d be down on his knees with those sweet lips wrapped around— 

The blonde student immediately shoved those thoughts back down to whatever filthy place it came from.

This was a new low for Dimitri.

He scrunched his nose against the smell of bathroom cleaner and urine as he headed straight towards the furthest bathroom stall, as far away as possible from everyone else. Practically throwing himself into the cramped compartment, he slammed the door behind him and braced himself against the wall as he finally,  _ finally _ let his hand touch the burning desire through his jeans.

“Oh,  _ Goddess…”  _ Dimitri moaned, then his hand flew to his mouth, remembering that he was in a public space, not back at Garreg Mach University in the quiet of his bedroom.

He planted his forehead against the wall as his hips instinctively snapped up to grind against the palm of his hand. The sudden relief of his pent-up desire sent waves of dizziness and bliss up his head, and he hurriedly unzipped his pants, panting like a hungry wolf after having its first taste of blood. A shaky breath of relief escaped his lips as his cock was finally freed from its restraints, and he immediately grabbed hold of it and started jerking furiously.

Dimitri cursed under his breath at the sensitivity of his length. Its head was already dripping wet with precum after having been teased by Claude for so long that it didn’t take long before his vision began to waver, his knees to buckle, his breaths to become erratic.

His eyes slid close as his mind sank back to the exhibition Claude put on before him earlier: the lewd noises he made with that silver-tongued mouth, the way his back arched with each thrust of his fingers, how his eyes rolled back in pleasure as he came, how his muscles tensed and convoluted in response to the bliss coursing throughout his body.

It was a surge of hazed reality interwoven with alluring fantasy that rushed into Dimitri’s mind after having spent so long resisting the thought of Claude: Claude stretching himself wide open for him, Claude clenching his tight heat around him, Claude begging for him to go faster, Claude savoring his name like a ambrosial sweet. Claude, Claude,  _ Claude—  _

Pressure rose within his balls, and with a few more quick strokes, fireworks burst in his mind. Dimitri bit his lips to suppress a moan as his cock pulsed, shooting hot streaks of white into the palm of his hand. Euphoria rushed throughout his body, washing away his pent-up frustration with pure bliss. He gave some last few tugs before slumping against the wall, breathless and dazed from the intensity of his climax.

But soon his post-orgasm haze dissipated, leaving behind the cold reality of the situation. Dimitri looked down at his semen-coated hand with a jolt of aversion and guilt, and the matter of his debauchery hit him: he  _ literally _ drove to a rest area and rushed into a bathroom stall  _ just _ to satiate his desires like a mindless beast.

All because of that stupid sly fox and his constant teasing.

Dimitri wiped down his hand and softening member in disgust with a wad of toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. Though he was finally able to relieve himself, the blonde student still had some lingering dissatisfaction tugging at him, but he shoved it into a far corner of his mind as he zipped himself back up.

Silently begging to the Goddess for forgiveness of his shameless self-indulgence, Dimitri unlocked the door and—

“Hey, Dima. How’re you doing?”

Dimitri instinctively recognized that teasing voice, and he immediately withdrew back into his stall with a slam of the door.

What the fuck.

“Hey, it’s just me. You don’t have to be so surprised.”

“Claude, what in the world are you doing here?” Dimitri rushedly whispered through clenched teeth, hoping nobody was around to overhear them. He was still recovering from the aftermath of his orgasm, and he was  _ not _ mentally prepared to face the roguish brunette just yet. Not until he has completely banished that vulgar image of him from his mind.

“What, am I not allowed to be in the same bathroom as you?” Claude teased from behind the grey door. “Oh, woe is me, for it seems I’ll have to do my business outside.”

For a moment, Dimitri felt a chortle rise up from his throat, but he suppressed it in fear of unraveling himself around the sly deer. With that playful voice, the blonde man knew from past experiences that he must tread carefully, lest he fall into another one of Claude’s silver-tongued traps.

“Please, Claude. Just…” Dimitri sighed. “What are you  _ doing _ here?”

“I just wanted to check on you, you know? You kinda abandoned me in the car,  _ buck-naked. _ You left so urgently without telling me where you were heading to… You even forgot your keys.  _ And _ your phone.”

A jingle of metal rang from behind the door, and Dimitri immediately searched his pockets for his phone and keys, but they turned up empty. He slapped his face at his carelessness—of  _ course _ he left them behind. 

“…Which is why I really needed to find you. Good thing I have a keen intuition, or else I may have needed to call out ‘Dima! Babe, where are you?’ throughout the entire building,” Claude laughed towards the end of his jest, but he quickly recomposed himself with a low, husky tone of voice.

“So, did you have fun thinking about me, hm?”

Dimitri’s breathing hitched, and a deepening blush stretched from his cheeks to the tips of his ears (thank Goddess the bathroom door shielded him from the brunette’s view).

He  _ knew.  _ He fucking  _ knew,  _ so of _ course _ he decided to greet him right after Dimitri had finished, hardly giving him a chance to recompose himself. Hardly giving him a  _ break _ from his incessant teasing.

Was there no end to his devilish ploys?

“T-That’s none of your business, Claude,” Dimitri growled, intending to intimidate him with a low rumble of his voice, but it came out rushed and weak, like a plea for mercy. “Just… Just fuck off already,” he tried again, hoping that his profanity alone (which rarely escaped his lips) would be enough turn Claude away, but the impish man only chuckled in response.

“Sure, I'll ‘fuck off…’ but it won’t feel as good without you,” Claude quipped, and Dimitri suddenly felt an urge to punch the wall. Claude’s wit seemed to have no bounds, and this was yet another case of him falling victim to it.  _ Again. _

“Anyways, I’m starving,” he perked up. “How long are you gonna take to finish up there, Dima? Either that’s a monstrous shit you’re taking, or did I interrupt your little session there?”

Dimitri could just  _ see _ the brunette wagging his eyebrows at the end of that remark, and he clenched his fists. If now was the time to permanently knock out Claude’s teeth, then he would be eager to do so.

—

After finally coaxing out an apology from Claude for tormenting him (though he  _ still  _ claimed no wrongdoing), the two grabbed some lunch from the food court. The choices were less than desirable, ranging from greasy pizza to stale fries, but food was food. The appetite of the two growing young men demanded to be satisfied—there was nothing else that could be done. But the brunette sitting in across of him seemed to think otherwise.

“I thought you said you were starving,” Dimitri remarked as he took a sip of his water.

“I  _ am. _ Just not… really into this junk food crap,” Claude grumbled as he pushed away his tray of a barely-touched burger and fries.

Dimitri couldn’t understand why he was so adamant about not eating even though he was hungry. Sure, it was unhealthy, but it didn’t taste  _ that  _ bad. Though, after hearing enough times from his friends about how he seemed to have no sense of taste, perhaps he wasn’t the best judge of that.

“I’m gonna see if I can find something else to eat in the convenience store,” Claude sighed as he got up from the bench. “I’ll be back.”

“Wait, can I have the rest of your food? Please?” Dimitri’s eyes lit up as he asked. Wasting a perfectly good meal would be a punch to his gut… and yes, he was a glutton for free food. Fight him.

“Heh. Go ahead, my hungry little wolf-lord,” Claude smiled as he ruffled the blonde’s hair and kissed his forehead before turning away.

It wasn’t long before the brunette returned, grocery bag in hand, while Dimitri was chowing down the last few bites of Claude’s burger. He eyed him curiously as Claude slung the plastic bag down on the table and pulled out a salad and…

A popsicle?

So much for hating junk food, Dimitri thought as he gulped down his cup of water.

Claude scarfed down his salad rather quickly, which surprised Dimitri since he was usually a slow eater, but he chalked it up to his extreme hunger and dismissed the thought. Wiping his mouth with a napkin, Claude quickly moved on to unwrapping his popsicle, eagerly slipping it out of the package like a kid opening up their birthday gift.

By now, Dimitri was on his phone, responding to all of the missed messages from his friends (most of them being from Sylvain, asking all sorts of bawdy questions about their trip to Brigid), but then an obscene slurp forced him to look up.

Oh  _ Goddess, _ help him.

Claude had those perfect pert lips wrapped around the icy treat, swirling it around with his tongue and catching any extra juices from dripping off. The noises he made while sucking on it were suggestive, to say the least, if not downright filthy as he bobbed his head around the popsicle.

He slowly pulled it out, lips hardly parting as if he was reluctant to let go. They would, eventually, but oh so slowly. Dimitri thought Claude might actually whimper out loud as soon as the treat slipped out of his lips, and then he  _ did.  _ He let out a small mewl as the popsicle left his mouth with a pop of his glistening wet lips, slightly red and swollen from the frozen treat.

This had to be some sort of punishment from the Goddess, Dimitri thought as he dug his hands into his hair. He forced his head face down to stare at his phone, but curiosity got the better of him as he kept sneaking glances up at the brunette across from him.

Even though it was only a simple store-bought popsicle, Claude seemed to take all the time in the world to give it the proper respect it deserved. Not one moment did the brunette let his teeth graze across the ice, nor did he attempt to take it in entirely in one go. Instead, he only poked his tongue out, flicking the tip of it against the top, then flattening it across the icy treat while he twirled it around some more.

It was ridiculously cheesy, Dimitri knew, but the way Claude  _ looked _ at him as he dove down to lap up some stray juices from dripping onto his fingers… it sent a familiar shiver down his body towards a place that absolutely should  _ not _ be responding.

And then Claude smirked,  _ smirked _ around the icy treat before letting it slip out again.

“How come you’re staring?” The brunette teased, waving the popsicle around Dimitri’s face like it was some toy.

“N-Nothing!” Dimitri immediately blurt out, averting his eyes. His hand went up to scratch the back of his head as he let out an awkward chuckle. “It’s nothing. I’m just glad you’re… enjoying your popsicle, that’s all.”

Glad would be an understatement. Or simply not at all accurate.

“I see,” Claude replied solemnly, and he pressed the tip of the frozen treat against his lips, but not yet pushing it into his mouth.

Dimitri carefully looked back up at the brunette, hoping he’d finally decided to just  _ eat _ the damn popsicle like a normal human being, but the glimmer in those emerald eyes signaled that Claude had other plans formulating in mind.

That couldn’t be good.

Dimitri couldn’t escape—his phone was clearly not enough of a distraction, and if he excused himself to use the restroom, Claude would certainly tease him about doing  _ that _ again.

The blonde student bit his lip as he tried to think of a counterattack,  _ something _ to get the brunette to stop licking that Goddess-forsaken popsicle. Suddenly, an idea popped in his mind, and he latched onto it immediately.

“May I have a taste?”

Claude almost dropped the popsicle at question, and he coughed. It was a rare sight to see the normally composed, easy-going student  _ flustered _ like this, and Dimitri couldn’t help but smirk as the brunette wiped his mouth with a napkin.

_ Perfect. _

“O-Of course, Dima. Go ahead,” Claude said, immediately shifting back to his default easy smile, but nothing could hide the small blush blooming on his cheeks.

Seizing this new opportunity for revenge, Dimitri gently grasped Claude’s hand around the wooden stick as he brought the popsicle close to his lips. He eyed it curiously, giving it a few tentative licks

And then he devoured it completely.

It’s size was much reduced compared to when he first saw it slip out of the wrapping, but the icy feeling of it deep down his throat was still uncomfortable enough to make Dimitri want to gag. But he managed to suppress it, even going as far down as to kiss Claude’s fingers which were still wrapped around the stick, and the brunette only gasped in response.

He won the battle.

Clamping onto the handle with his teeth, Dimitri slid the remaining bit off the stick, swallowing it whole with one gulp. Some juices were left behind on Claude’s fingers, and he glanced up at the wide-eyed expression as he took them into his warm mouth, humming around them in delight.

And Claude actually  _ moaned _ at the sight of him, ever so softly.

“Thanks for the treat,” Dimitri pulled away with a wolfish grin, and he wiped the saliva away from Claude’s fingers with a napkin.

For a moment, Claude only looked at him with solid emerald, gaping at the sudden bold move Dimitri made. 

Right there and then, the blonde student decided that he’d etch that priceless expression into his memory, completing it with a kiss.

Claude jolted at the sudden shift in movement—Dimitri had sprung forward from his seat and took his head into his hands, planting his lips against the brunette’s mouth with a low rumble. His tongue plunged into the warm cavern, letting the faint fruity taste of the popsicle swirl between the two, and he gave one more swipe across Claude’s lips before pulling away.

“Now, how come  _ you’re _ staring?” Dimitri couldn’t help but ask.

—

“I’m sorry, Dima. I won’t tease you again,” Claude apologized for the fifth time since exiting the pavillion.

Dimitri only snorted as he inserted the gas nozzle into the fuel tank. 

“Maybe  _ I _ should tease you back on the rest of the way to Brigid while you drive. It would only be fair, after all.”

“…Wait, what? What do you mean?”

Dimitri turned to look at the furrowed eyebrows on Claude’s face.

“What I mean,” he said as deliberate and clear as possible, “is that  _ you _ are going to drive. I’m resting.”

A small tug of regret pulled at his heart as he dug his keys out of his pocket and pressed them into the brunette’s hands. He didn’t think that he’d end up letting  _ Claude _ drive on this trip, but at this rate, perhaps it’d be safer if  _ he  _ was stuck behind the wheel instead of Dimitri.

“No, please, Dima. I swear I’ll do anything, but  _ please _ don’t make me drive. It’s another  _ five _ hours from here to Brigid,” Claude pleaded with his best puppy dog eyes, but Dimitri only shook his head and clicked his tongue.

“I’m trusting you with my  _ car, _ Claude. Don’t make me regret it.”

Then he leaned in close to whisper into the brunette’s ear.

“I intend to get my full revenge, my sly little deer.”

And with a playful nibble on his earlobe, Dimitri chuckled before entering the car.

This was going to be fun.


	2. Side: The Two Gay Disasters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Claude: Do you know how hard it is to be horny when seiros spirituals are blasting out of the speakers"
> 
> Just some text convos I imagined between Claude and Hilda during the roadtrip. Hope you enjoyed the fic!

(8:48 AM) 

**Claude:** Big day is finally here :DDDD

**Hilda:** Claude istg if I see you on the news

I'm not attending your funeral

**Claude:** Relax. I won't do anything stupid

**Hilda:** Surrrree. I can hear the police sirens already

Actually lmao you should get arrested just so dimitri can see you

bent over in handcuffs or smth like that

**Claude:** did you read my mind? *gasp*

**Hilda:** claude i swear if you actually get arrested i’m not bailing you out

**Claude:** good, i’ll get to spend some quality time with dima in jail then ;)

**Hilda:** i-

nvm

(9:10 AM)

**Claude:** First off the checklist, a surprise kiss

He literally slammed on the brakes lmaooo

**Hilda:** Ajweofoa;fj you’re actually doing this

Just skip to fucking in the car already

**Claude:** oh we will ;)

When the time comes

**Hilda:** Why are you like this

(9:23 AM)

**Claude:** My hand might’ve brushed too close to Dimitri’s crotch

And he pulled over so quickly lmaooo

Ftyrxigujgf This is so much fun i love him sm

**Hilda:** um excuse me is this 911 yes we have a feral lion and his horny bf on the loose out on the open roads no this is not an emergency this is a gay emergency

dimitri please control your bf

his horny energy is overflowing

**Claude:** xd you’re so hilarious

**Hilda:** i try

(10:20 AM)

**Hilda:** Lol you should just like

_ A-Ahhh, Dima~~ _

Out of nowhere 

**Claude:** … 

THATS PERFECT

OMG THIS IS GREAT TYSM HILDA

**Hilda:** aeoifejwfi please don’t actually do it

You know what

Why do i even bother ask

**Claude:** well i did it

He’s either annoyed pissed or horny

or a mixture of all three

**Hilda:** great job hun

**Claude:** thank you sweetie <3

(11:13 AM)

**Claude:** Shirt's going off in 3

**Hilda:** Claude wtf are you serious

**Claude:** Want a pic?

**Hilda:** No thanks

(11:34 AM)

**Claude:** soooo

I’m gonna start spicing things up ;)

**Hilda:** Claude

Claude

Please

Do not

Fucking

JO

while he’s driving

**Claude:** excuse me miss how dare you accuse me of such vulgar behavior

Anyways

You can’t stop me

**Hilda:** NO CLAUDE ISTG

DIMITRI CANT HANDLE THAT

**Claude:** Pants going off in -5 seconds

**Hilda:** ok bye see you in hell

(12:29 PM)

**Claude:** So

I tried to Jo

Finger myself

You know

Tease him and stuff

And then he turned up the radio

Do you know how hard it is to be horny when seiros spirituals are blasting out of the speakers

Anyways, now we’re at a rest area

He’s probably having fun in the bathroom or something

I’m gonna check on him

**Hilda:** 1 ew

2 ew

3 i’m saving that quote awfweafwejf “Do you know how hard it is to be horny when seiros spirituals are blasting out of the speakers” roflawefewakfl;

4 you better not be typing this with your right hand

**Claude:** Hilda

it's way too late to be thinking about that

**Hilda:** Omg stfu

**Claude:** Hey it's not like I'm the only one ;)

**Hilda:** Ok let’s stop here

**Claude:** yeah let’s

…But i’m not wrong

**Hilda:** cLAUDE pLEASE sTOP

**Claude:** smh ok fine

(12:38 PM)

**Claude:** lmao yeah I caught Dima jo in a stall

**Hilda:** thanks for the info i really needed it

**Claude:** np hun. Kinda disappointed he wouldn’t let me join in. I’ve always wanted to have bathroom stall sex

**Hilda:** why am i not surprised

**Claude:** hey, you’re the one who fucked with marianne in the locker room

Don’t kink shame me

**Hilda:** PLEASE

STOP

BRINGING THAT UP

ISTG YOU MADE MARI CRY THAT DAY WHEN YOU TOLD THE WHOLE GROUP 

I HATE YOU SM

**Claude:** i told you i’m sorry so many times geez

I swear marianne has given me so many death stares ever since

You don’t know how scary she looks when she’s mad holy shit

…But it was fucking hillarious you gotta admit lol

**Hilda:** CLAUDE IMMA WOOP YOUR ASS

GET BACK HERE

CLAUDE

(12:52 PM)

**Claude:** Bought a popsicle ;)

**Hilda:** Just suck his dick already goodness

**Claude:** Already did lol

**Hilda:** CLAUDE I WKHDJEKDJEKWL

**Claude:** JK Dimitri would kill me if I tried to drink him under the table

**Hilda:** SSJDJKWKEKE I HATE YOU

**Claude:** Love you too <3

(1:02 PM)

**Claude:** awfepoijpoifjawpoifwoaefo

fojiwfoiwfpowfpioweopew

pfiwefowafpjewfpajioowefi

**Hilda:** oh no it’s keyboard-slamming claude

What’s the latest gay panic attack you’re having now?

**Claude:** SO I WAS TRYING TO TEASE DIMA WITH THE POPSICLE

YOU KNOW

LIKE LICKING IT SEXILY AND STUFF

AND THEN HE ASKS ME IF HE COULD HAVE A TASTE

AND THEN HE FREAKING DEVOURS IT IN ONE GO

AND THEN HE SUCKS ON MY FINGERS

AND THEN HE KISSES ME

AOWIEFOIAWEOFIWAFJOAIWAIFO

I MESSED UP HILDA

IVE POISONED HIS MIND IVE CREATED A BEAST I WASNT EXPECTING THAT HELP

**Hilda:** LMAOOOOOOOO

**Hilda:** DIMA GOT HIS REVENGE BITCHES WOOP

**Claude:** MY REPUTATION IS RUINED

**Hilda:** ok but did you like it?

**Claude:** …

Yes

A lot

**Hilda:** see?

You should give him a chance to tease you back

**Claude:** ikkkkkk but like he never would have the courage to do something like that until now

I guess i pushed him too far

(1:25 PM)

**Claude:** …

Hilda I hate myself

**Hilda:** What happened lol

**Claude:** I have to drive 

the rest of the way to brigid

It’s 5 hours

FIVE HOURS

**Hilda:** dude that’s nothing

you deserve it bitch

**Claude:** Hilda you don't understand it's gonna be so

Fucking

Boring

**Hilda:** Hey maybe he'll torture you back as you drive

Get his revenge or something lmao

**Claude:** well actually he did mention that...

Nvm forget what I said

I can't wait this is gonna be sm fun

Damn it i should’ve brought my vibrator w/me 

do you think they sell remote control vibrators at a lover lane's or smth?

Should dima have the remote or should I be the one controlling him

Nvm there’s no way he’s gonna let me stick one up his ass

Well

maybe he will if i ask sylvain to convince him

Imma do that real quick hold on

**Hilda:** I

I

Ok I give up

You are literally the worst

**Author's Note:**

> Part of this was influenced by my experience driving across Midwestern USA and let me tell you it's SO. MINDLESSLY. BORING. 
> 
> You people who live near hilly areas are so lucky.


End file.
